i'm very sorry pero ang haa haba ng kelangan kong ikwento para ipaintindi senyo kung anong ginagawa ko sa buhay ko at bakit at kung gano ako kasaya at bakit ulit at ano na, pano na ko ngayon. wala lang siguro ako sa mood ngayon pero i'll try my best. july 8 ako nagsimulang hindi pumasok. july 19 umuwi akong ilocos para ipaliwanag sa bahay. of course of course ayaw nila na hindi na ko mag-aaral and all. i stayed there for as long as i can, but my conscience is bothering me that i've left sooo much work back here in diliman so july 23, naglayas ako pabalik ng diliman. juy 24 ng umaga, sumunod sina daddy at nanang at pinuntahan nila ang OSA at admin sa UPD at tinawagan lahat ng prof ko at hinagilap ako sa mga tibak.. but no, nagtago ako at hindi bumalik ng UP hanggat hindi sila umuuwing ilocos. july 29 umuwi silang ilocos. july 30 ang come back ko sa tibak world. sona day. since then, nakikitira ako sa iba ibang bahay ng mga kasama (you know, comraides hehe) at araw araw pa din na nago-organize as lfs sa UPD.. blah. this is such a boring, lame attempt to explain how i feel (actually wala nga eh, chronology of events lang) pero basta. i have no plans of going back to my former comfy life. no way, really. i dont mind being away from my family, really. not that i do not love them, you know i do, very much. pero basta, iba yung feeling na alam mong may sense, may selfless sense, ang bawat galaw mo. i know it sounds so egoistic pero hindi, dont get me wrong. mahirap. mahirap na wala kang pera parati, wala kang stable at sariling bahay na uuwian, mahirap but damn if this is not the happiest, most fulfilling days of my life. i'm not being a masochist na nag-eenjoy na nahihirapan pero alam ko kasi at tanggap ko kung bakit mahirap ang buhay ko. because i'm literally serving the people..like "there, here's my life, my dreams, my future.. there you can have it, nothing on earth would make me any happier but to serve you, lovely people". i mean it by the sweat and blood and happiness in my bones. i love it here. i have never loved myself as much as i do now because of what i am doing right now. guess what, it's going to be a lot harder after this year. you can ask raffy what tibaks do when they disappear from the urban tibak world. ang tanging reason lang kung bakit hindi ako nagttext sa inyo ay dahil (1) nagpalit ako ng number at (2) ang hirap magstart from scratch sa mga taong pinaka kilala ako inside out.dati. i'm sorry. really sorry. but that was such a surprise na nung umuwi ako at pina-general check up ako ng mama ko, yun din ang last day ng duty nina arvin at chris. shet talaga. alam mo bang nakita na ko ni arvin hours before tinawag ako ni chris? tinitgnan niya lang ako from second floor. nakakainis. pano kung hindi ako tinawag ni chris eh di hindi ko sila nakita at nakausap, for probably the last time in our lives... nga pla, tinext ko si arvin na puntahan ako sa plaza m after namin magkita sa hospital. wala nagbonding lang hanggang mga 8 pm. wala lang. sana tayo din may chance na makapag usap ng matino bago ako maglaho sa december. it would be the only unfulfilled dream i would leave behind pag nagkataon.. bwiset. puntahan mo ko dito at yayakapin kita. i'm serious, i'm begging you to come here please. i've prepped myself na hindi ko na talaga makikita sina mama at joseph forever.. pero hindi pa ikaw. please. ayoko. please. please. come anytime any day. please. please.
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